


Misery Looks Good On Me

by afrostpatternintherain



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, No Spoilers for Book 2: Wayward Son, Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:40:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22192687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afrostpatternintherain/pseuds/afrostpatternintherain
Summary: "As soon as I've stepped outside our room I am hit with a coughing fit. My throat is raw and and I feel light headed for a moment. After a moment I feel fine again.I lift my hand from my mouth and stare at it with as much terror as I can muster. In the palm of my hand lies a red flower petal."Baz is sick. He has Hanahaki disease and is hellbent on keeping it a secret.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 26
Kudos: 109





	1. I've found myself a brand new low

Simon Snow is sitting in front of his desk, concentrating on his homework. Well, he is trying to, I suppose. His blue eyes reflect the light of the lamp and once again, I am struck by his casual beauty.

Snow is wearing a tank top and track pants. Crowley, how does he make something so simple and lazy look so ungodly.

If my heart were still beating it would skip a beat. My eyes trail over his exposed shoulders as I try to memorize every single one of his freckles and moles.

I want to kiss him or push him so far away that he'll never want to see me again. You can't blame me for being a hopeless romantic and an utter fool, so I settle on the kissing part. To some extent I must be a masochist.

All of a sudden Snow turns around and musters me with that glare that is reserved for no one else but me. Thank Merlin for my resting bitch face. I don't think I'd ever live it down if he caught me red-handed, pining for him from the safe distance of my bed.

Suddenly, my throat stings for a moment and I can't suppress a cough.

„Didn't think vampire could get sick,“ Snow says.

I didn't think so either. „Sod off Snow,“ I retort and throw him a proper sneer.

I don't try to deny the fact that I'm a vampire. Don't need a repeat of fifth year. I still don't give him the validation of knowing he's got me figured out. I may be whipped and self deprecating at worst, but I'm not suicidal enough to risk Snow running to the mage.

I throw another glance in his direction. He's focused on his work again. For a few more seconds I allow myself to bathe in his light.

Then I go back and pretend to read a book that I have no interest in whatsoever, feeling like I'm catching a cold.

It's Friday morning. I wake up and for the first time since I was turned, my throat feels raw and my head is dizzy. Almost like thirst, but not quite like it. I'm sick.

Alright, definitely didn't miss this. Not that I can remember it that well anyways.

Our room is quiet. This either means Snow has gotten up already, which is highly unlikely, or that he's still asleep.

Snow loves his ten hours of sleep almost as much as he loves cherry scones with ungodly amounts of butter. If I didn't know any better I'd assume his biggest struggle was managing his sleep to breakfast ratio. I do know better though.

He is the chosen one, the hero, the golden boy. And I am me. His enemy, an abomination, nature's biggest mistake. Our fates are tightly intertwined, just not in the way I'd like them to be.

Simon will inevitably kill me one day and I am at peace with that. He's the only person that could kill me and I might still thank him for it.

Quietly, I turn to my left. I can tell Snow's still asleep by the way his snores and his smokey scent fill our room.

I give myself exactly one minute to gaze upon his sleeping form. His mouth is wide open and his gangly limbs are spread out over the entire bed. Mouth breather.

I have to cough. Snow stirs.

It's time to stop this meaningless clownery of mine, I am aware of that. Still, I am hopelessly in love with him and I hold onto this secret of mine.

Eventually I get up and shower. There's this simple kind of joy i find in my daily routine of creams and gels and cleanliness. When I exit the bathroom Snow is awake already.

I grab my bag, glare at him for good measure and make my way to the cafeteria. As soon as I've stepped outside our room I am hit with a coughing fit. My throat is raw and and I feel light headed for a moment. After a moment I feel fine again.

I lift my hand from my mouth and stare at it with as much terror as I can muster. In the palm of my hand lies a red flower petal. For a moment I am confused. I just look at it with a wicked kind of interest. Then it hits me.

Crowley, no. This better not be what I fear it is.

I decide to skip breakfast with Dev and Niall (I wouldn't have eaten anything anyway). Instead I pay the library a visit and head straight to the section about magickal illnesses.

I sift through any book I can find. Yet, there's only one thing I can find that would explain my symptoms. I wish I were foolish enough to be in denial.

Hanahaki disease. An illness which befalls mostly mages, though there have been a few reported cases among humans.

Whole flowers start to settle in your lungs. It starts off with petals and in the worst case scenario it ends in death through suffocation.

And who does this illness befall, you might ask? People in love. More specifically, people with secretly harbored feelings or unrequited love.

I feel the need to smash my head against the next best wall but I'm quite sure the librarian wouldn't appreciate it all that much.

There's three ways out of this illness.

  1. Confess your love. You don't get rejected and ultimately humiliated? Sublime. You won't die a horrible and painful death. You do get rejected? You might consider solution 2 or 3.

  2. So you're a fool and don't want to confess. Take the easiest way out. I can't blame you, love is a devilish beast. There's a surgery which can fix you right up. It can't be performed by just any back alley quack but you'll find a specialist. The downside? You will lose any kind of feelings you harbored for your beloved one, no matter if positive or negative.

  3. Hold onto your pride, refuse to be humiliated and exposed. Die painfully as you're choked to death by your mother's flowerbed. All the physical pain, none of the emotional pain of rejection.




Another coughing fit runs through my body and I throw up two petals. Fate really seems determined to fuck me over in every possible way.

I'm not surprised I got Hanahaki, I am mad about it. Thing is, vampires are immune to Hanahaki. Apparently my body decided to be dramatic and extraordinary in the worst of moments.

I cast a _Where is my mind_. Once again I inspect the petals lying in my hand after having made sure that I'm alone.

Red camellias. They represent unconditional love,passion and desire. I let out a sarcastic laugh. Ratted out by flowers. From here on it will be nothing more than a downward spiral.

I look at the clock. Class starts in fifteen minutes. I throw the traitorous petals in the garbage bin and regard them for a moment.

My love in the garbage, right where it belongs.

Snow sits behind me in class and I can feel him glaring holes in the back of my head. I turn around and raise an eyebrow mockingly. He sputters and fumes like an old tank engine, turns back to Bunce, whispering, pointing at me accusingly over and over. Bunce looks exhausted and fixes me with one of her stares.

I turn back around and allow myself a little smile. Snow might never love me, but there will never be anyone quite as good at blowing Snow's fuse as me. I bathe in his hot, fuming glares. My throat scratches and I fail to suppress a cough. Dev and Niall both side-eye me.

Thankfully, there's no petal this time. Perhaps I can handle this. I've been pining after Snow for years now. Our families' feuds haven't stopped me, so what difference will this pretentious and utterly ridiculous illness make?

I can live like this. I have been living with these misplaced and unstoppable feelings for Snow since the first time I laid eyes on his handsome face.

He doesn't know, and I want it to stay that way. I'm prepared to die if it means I can spend a few more months of angry bliss with him.

Simon Snow will be the death of me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys, I hope you enjoyed my first chapter! I always have the biggest urge to write hanahaki aus and snowbaz is just.perfect for it. because i love making Baz suffer oop-  
> please consider leaving kudos or comments, i'd really appreciate it  
> come and visit me on my tumblr: https://mysteriousminyard.tumblr.com/


	2. And the Other Watches Him Close from that Wire

It's been a week since I first discovered the red petal lying in my palm,a stark contrast against my otherwise pale,cold skin. It reminds me of Snow, of course it does. A stark red light in my otherwise dark world.

The amount of petals I cough up has more than doubled at this point. The back of my throat feels sore and my voice sounds raspy. To everyone else it looks like I've caught nothing more than a bad case of the flu. But I know better.

It's hard to breathe, but it always is when you're sharing a room with Simon Snow.

I'm in the middle of coughing up several flower petals as Snow enters our room.

Next to my bed there's a box of tissues, so I quickly pull out a few and cough into them instead of my hand.

I must be quite the sorry sight since Snow musters me with a weird expression.

Several petals are still stuck in my throat. I give it another good cough and I'm free again. Still, I feel worse than before. I ball up the tissue and throw it in the trash.

Snow is still staring at me with his washed out baby blues. Just as I'm about to mock him for staring he finds his voice again.

„Baz, you spit up blood.“

I'm about to tell him to mind his own business as I focus on the tissues I just threw in the garbage bin. They're speckled with blood.

I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. On the back of it there's a clear red line of smeared blood.

My head snaps up and I look at Snow. For a second he must've seen something unusual in my eyes since he moved closer to my bed than he normally would.

“Are you alright,” he asks. Of course he does. He's Simon Snow.

I pushed him down the stairs once (it wasn't fully on purpose), and yet he still cares enough because he's good from very the core. It makes me look even more monstrous in comparison. Makes me want to laugh. Instead, I sneer.

“What do you care, Snow? Afraid I'm gonna kick it and you won't have anyone else to blame for the disaster you call a relationship with Wellbelove?”

His eyes change and the distinct scent of smoke starts to fill the room.

I got him right where it hurts the most. I actually don't want to hurt him right now. I want to run my fingers through his hair and tell him everything is going to be alright. I want to whisper sweet nothings in his ear.

In another universe, I might be doing just that. In this universe however, I push and push until he breaks, with sneers, taunts and those words that hurt him so much until he breaks and goes off.

He looks at me angrily. “I was just trying to be nice! I can't stand you either, but could you try not being a wanker just for once?!”

Internally, I smile as my heart and lungs ache and moan. Somehow, I now managed to push him even further away from me than I had done before.

“I'm alright Snow, now go and snog your girlfriend, or whatever else you do in your free time.”

He snaps. “Actually, Agatha and I broke up, are you happy now?! This is what you wanted right from the start, isn't it? Just looking at you makes me sick!”

They broke up? I'm surprised. And right then my lungs decide to fuck me up all over again. I can't breathe. I can't fucking breathe. There's something big and thorny stuck in my windpipe and I just can't breathe.

I try to get up and gracefully, I stumble and almost face-plant to the ground. As I try to catch myself I can tell Snow is moving towards me. I suppose he wants to break my nose a second time.

Snow doesn't hit me. He catches me before I hit the ground.

“Baz?! I'm taking you to the nurse.”

I'm being held by him. The feeling of his strong arms around my body is just too much. He is gripping tightly onto my shoulder with one hand, the other one supports the small of my back. For a moment my otherwise deadpan expression slips and I stare into his eyes. The raw me, shocked.

Neither of us moves. It's strange to be close to him like this.

Then, the moment is over and he pulls me up and clears his throat.

“Baz, what the fuck. Are you- are you okay?” he asks, clearly caught by surprise.

I feel humiliated, caught in such a compromising situation by none other than Simon Snow himself.

“Would you mind letting go off me? You'll taint me with your stench. I'm no maiden in distress, so you can shove your misplaced heroism right where it came from,” I grumble as I slap his hand away and stagger over to my desk. I sway but pretend as if nothing was wrong.

He's the only person who should never find out about this affliction of mine.

I sit down and go through my papers in a bored manner. Without turning around I address him.

“Do you see something you like or have you never seen an actual sick person in your life? Stop staring, it's a nuisance.”

“How'd you-”

I turn around and raise an eyebrow. “ Your staring is almost audible. Listen here, I'll only say this once. Stay out of my business and I'll stay out of yours.”

He walks over to me and I stand up again, my knees feeling like the oatmeal my aunt used to serve me for breakfast when I was a kid.

Snow glares at me and pokes me in the chest with his right pointer.

“Just let me worry about you one single time, like what's your damn problem?!” The scent of smoke fills our room. “It's not horrible to show some humanity for once!” he shouts and I feel the walls I've built around myself turn into a brick house.

A dry laugh escapes my lips and I keep quiet. I can see the wheels in is head turning and turning. I can pinpoint the moment he realizes what exactly he'd just said to me.

“Baz, I-” I don't let him finish whatever bullshit excuse he was about to force out.

“I'm sorry you're so offended by my supposed inhumanity, Snow, but that's completely your issue and none of my business. Now if you'll excuse me.”

I shove him aside, grab my keys and head for the door. For a moment I consider staying, but my brain is not having my way tonight. I can already tell that I'm about to lose it. Of course, as if I didn't have plenty of problems to care for already, my throat hurts and I can feel something sharp pushing against my windpipe.

“I will now grace you with the absence of my monstrosity, take it as a gift,” I utter with as much grace as I can muster, given the situation. The last thing I see before I slam the door shut is Snow's stupid, stunned face.

The catacombs are the only spot I would consider a safespace in this wretched school of mine, so I hurry to my mother's grave to wallow in self pity for a while. Plus, something tells me I won't be having a good old time down here. Might be the impending doom of having to cough up half a rosebush. Don't know where I got that idea from, just a hunch,really.

As soon as I've reached my mother's grave I know I'm a goner. The familiarity of this place makes my body relax and my lungs constrict in terror. The air supply to my lungs is cut off once again.

I'm coughing and choking, trying to get out what's essentially killing me.

So here I am now. A fucking pathetic sight just below my mother's grave. She'd surely be proud.

I would have the decency to feel sorry for myself if I hadn't had this disease coming. Let's be real, I deserve it.

For a monster like me to be able to love in the first place is a wondrous thing.

I feel a sharp, deep rooted pain and my throat hurts like hell, but Merlin, I can breathe again.

There's a wet sounding splatter and as I open my eyes I spot a red camellia, fully bloomed, with a strong stem and blood speckled thorns lying on the ground right in front of my mother's last resting place.

Thought camellias didn't have thorns to begin with. Though considering that they're caused by Snow, I'm not surprised, as he himself is full of surprises.

My legs threaten to buckle again so I let myself sink down, back against the wall.

I don't know how long I can keep this up.

I study the bloody flower once again. It's become familiar to me at this point.

Don't misunderstand me, I am durable and level-headed, but I am also not delusional. I do know my limits.

So I lean my head against the wall and stare at the ceiling.

A single tear runs down my cheek. This disease is going to kill me before I can ever find out what it's like to be loved by him.

Slowly and surely, I am crumbling.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait!! I've been a mess, but what's new! i hope you enjoyed this chapter, tell me what you thought of it however way you want, both comments and kudos are appreciated, i'm excited for feedback ^^  
> as always, my tunglr: https://mysteriousminyard.tumblr.com/


	3. Backfire

Hours later when I finally emerge from the catacombs it's fairly late already. To be quite honest I could've come out sooner, but I honestly didn't feel mentally nor physically well enough to face Snow again, so I decided to spend some more quality time with the rats instead. The lack of chaotic energy Snow generally exuded helped me calm down a bit which in return allowed me to feed. As I said, I had a great time down here with the rats, really.

I head up towards Mummers House and am almost immediately struck with a bad gut feeling. There is no indication of anything being out of the ordinary, yet I still feel restless and and can't shake the feeling. Snow did _something_ , I am certain of it.

My suspicions are confirmed right as I open the door and am faced with Snow blocking the entryway. He looks shifty and almost nervous; the overwhelming scent of his magic comes wafting from inside our room.

“Hey there Baz,” he starts, making awkward fingerguns.

“What did you do this time?”

I can see the way his adam's apple bops up and down as he swallows nervously. For a moment I welcome the distraction before I catch myself again.

“N- nothing, is it so wrong for me to greet you? I mean we're roommates after all,” Snow says while leaning against the doorway in a way that could only be described as unnatural, highly suspicious and remotely ridiculous. This is all I needed for confirmation. Snow is one of the worst liars I've ever encountered.

But of all days, why did he have to choose today to cause drama?

My body feels as if I've been hit by a truck and my mind is in a state more dire than ever before. All I want to do is go to bed, forget about today and maybe sneak a few glances at Snow curled up in his sheets. Merlin, look what I've been reduced to.

“Who are you trying to fool, Snow? We both know you're as good of a liar as you are a mage. Drop the act.”

He doesn't move at all, just opens his moth in an attempt of insulting me back. Clearly, I hit a nerve. I don't let him distract me with another meaningless argument though. The anathema can go and die in a ditch for all that I care. I try to push past Snow , but he stubbornly stands his ground.

“I swear to Merlin, if you don't move-”

“Then what? There's nothing to see here.” He chuckles nervously, his arms still blocking the door. “Aren't you getting a bit paranoid, Baz? Everything is totally fine in here.”

I take a deep breath to calm myself. Come on Basilton, slowly count to ten. One. Deep breath. Two. Deep breath.

My nostrils flare and before I get to three I have already decided to fuck it. Snow may be pretty, but he's also one hell of a stupid wanker. With a sharp yank I grab him by the collar of his idiotic uniform and pull him closer to my face.

“You better move before I throttle you in your sleep you utter fucking moron.” I admit I may be overreacting a bit but hey, who hasn't threatened their crush of many years with certain death, am I right lads?

Snow looks me right in the eye and I am left staring at his pretty, stupid face and determined expression.

“Well,I guess you have to make me then,” he mumbles and pulls closer to my face. Just like that I can feel his hot breath on my skin. Mouth breather. The blood I drank before rushes to my cheeks as I realize how close we actually are.

Suddenly, I feel my airway constrict again. A petal tries to make its way up my windpipe and I quickly let go of Snow as if I'd been burned by his touch alone.

The coughing starts all over again, my sight goes blurry and I see tiny dark dots dancing in my field of vision as I hack up several petals into the palm of my hand.

Snow hurries back to my side and I fail to suppress a grin. For once this stupid disease actually serves me a great purpose.

As Snow approaches I quietly drop the petals behind my back, hoping he won't notice, before using the distraction of me hacking up half of my respiratory system to push Snow out of the way and back into our room.

I know what you're thinking. Isn't it morally dubious to use your deadly disease as a ploy to get back into your room? The answer I probably yes, but I'm known to be a bit of a bastard, so who's complaining?

After all, Snow is the reason I got Hanahaki in the first place, so why not use it against him for a change? Give him a taste of his own medicine, serves him just about right.

Snow loses his balance and falls back into our room, right on his ass. I can't help but feel a tiny bit of schadenfreude at that. Call me petty.

After gathering myself for a moment just so I could breathe again, I inspect our room.

And I immediately catch on to what Snow had been trying to hide oh so desperately. He tries to get up again as he curses under his breath. As soon as he's standing I seize the opportunity and catch him by the collar of his neck again.

“Baz, I can explain-”

“There better be a fucking fantastic explanation as to why my bed is gone,” I snarl at him. I stare at Snow incredulously. Then, I look at the empty space where my bed used to stand. Then, I look back at Snow. “What in Merlin's name have you done now?”

I cannot believe. I cannot. Believe. Every time I think he has reached peak idiocy he manages to surprise me all over again.

He pointedly avoids my gaze and crosses his arms in front of his chest.

“Well?”

The fact that he doesn't even try to argue with me tells me that he at least possesses the decency to feel an ounce of guilt. I'm not easily riled by him, after all those years of constantly being at each other's throats I've become used to his tomfoolery and have gone somewhat soft. Yet the fact that he won't open his mouth makes me rabid. Guilt is not a good look on him, it makes me want to either throttle him or kiss all his worries away. I digress.

“Did you suddenly become mute or did that miniscule brain of yours finally short-circuit?” Give me a reaction. Anything. Just not this fucking silence. And then, he finally snaps back at me.

“I wanted to know what you're up to! There's something going on and I knew bloody well you wouldn't open up about it!”

My throat itches and my eye twitches in annoyance. Of all unattainable straight men out of this rotten school I just had to fall for Simon Snow. If there's a god they must really love clowning me from start to finish.

“Oh? So I see, you've suddenly developed amicable feelings towards me. The chosen one, what a saint he is! He even worries about his enemies!” I mock, clutching my hands together tightly. I try my hardest to act the part I was cast in. The evil vampire who is bound to die by the hero's hands.

I see no difference in whether I die through Simon Snow's sword or his hatred towards me. After all, isn't it said that love is war?

I pray Snow is too deft to see how hard it has become for me to breathe when he is near. He has and always will be one of my weakpoints. How pathetic.

All of a sudden he spins around and pins me up against the wall, one hand pressed flush against my heaving chest. I must've made a sound, because he turns bright red and lets go of me in a flash.

Leave it to my disturbed mind to turn getting thrown against a wall into something sexy. Now is certainly not the time.

Contrary to me, Snow gathers himself rather quickly. “I'll leave you alone if you tell me what's wrong with you,” he suddenly offers.

“So you're now threatening to annoy me to death if I won't tell you about what's supposedly wrong with me? That's a new one, didn't think you were that desperate,” I throw back, though this time there's no bite behind my words.

The roots in my lungs have started to shift again, slowly but surely, I can feel them. Like a parasite feeding off its host, they have robbed me of all my energy and I am left tired and exhausted.

Snow doesn't seem riled up anymore either. He suddenly grabs my arm and musters me. For a moment I relish in the feeling of his warm, rough hands on my cold skin. I try to cough discreetly. A decided look crosses over Simon Snow's face.

“Baz, you say this is none of my business and it's fine if you don't like me, but back then the crucible chose you as my roommate for a reason. This makes whatever's going on with you my business as well, whether you like it or not. I want to help you.”

“You-”

Whatever words I just wanted to say were swiftly silenced by the roots in my lungs shifting slow and painfully.

No matter how hard I gasp for air, it's useless. My sight goes dark and subconsciously I know that I'm throwing up something bigger than just a petal this time.

“Do you really think Id fall for this trick twice? I'm not as thick as you think I am.” That's Snow's voice. I grasp onto his arm as I feel a fully grown flower crawl up my windpipe.

“Baz?”

The taste of copper fills my mouth. One last terrible cough and my windpipe is free again.

“Baz, what in the actual-?!”

Static fills my mind and everything goes black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter bothers me but I don't hate it either so there you go! I've been struggling a bit and my creativity has been going on and off like crazy, but now that I've finally typed up this chapter I feel excited again to keep this going. Thank you for being patient y'all <3  
> Please consider leaving comments or kudos, both make me very happy!  
> As always my tumblr is: https://mysteriousminyard.tumblr.com


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